Salim’s Wife

You may have heard in passing the comments about Salim and his “wife” and I thought I would explain that a little further. We’ve met most of the b5 spouses…either when they stop in to bring a forgetful husband some lunch, or they join their spouses on an away trip to a conference. We’ve met some of the spouses that don’t even live in the same city as us. However, Salim’s “wife” never seems to materialize. We ask questions about her all the time…and Salim keeps promising she’ll come by “next week”. Salim has been with us since the end of October…and still no wife.

It has become a long-standing theory that she does not exist outside of Salim’s mind.

Occasionally, Salim will come in with his good blazer on and will eat lunch out of the office, or will need to take an hour long coffee break. We’ve come to realize that this is when he interviews women to act as his wife at the next company function. Just so he can bring someone so he doesn’t look like a liar.

He claims he had a baby in March. On one of his first days with b5, he said “By the way, sometime in March, I’m going to need to take a few weeks off cause my wife is having a baby.” We all believe that he carefully thought this out…he was planning a 2 week vacation in the Caribbean, but didn’t want to seem like a slacker in his first year with the company, so he invented a wife and children.

To make us think differently, he made Jon drive him home after a late meeting the other day. Jon’s fatal mistake was not waiting to see if Salim actually went into the house he claimed as his own. I wonder if Salim would be able to pick the same house out again if Jon drove him “home” or if he plans on “moving” by the time someone has to drive him home again.

Does Salim himself really exist? I’m beginning to wonder. It seems that usually when Jeremy is here, Salim is not. I think they are the same person trying to get two paychecks. I should call a meeting with both of them and see if they both show up.

Pipe dream: movie “theatre”

I hate going to the movie theater.  It’s not the ticket prices.  And it’s not the price of the food and beverages – I rarely partake.  What I can’t take is the people.  For some reason it takes half the movie for people to open up their bag of candy.  Heaven forbid they use their teeth or try to perform their noisy actions during a period of the movie’s high audio volume.  And for some reason people think that repeating jokes back to the screens adds to the experience.  For some reason people think that trying to predict plot twists (20 minutes after anyone of intelligence has already seen it coming) is beneficial to the other moviegoers.  And don’t get me started on the people who let their mobile phone ring… and then answer it.  Or the people who keep up a running conversation with the person next to them.It’s more than I could take if I were watching the movie in my own house.  Forget paying $8 to $10 to put up with that nonsense.Here is my proposed solution: The Movie Theatre.  You read that correctly… “Theatre.”  The Movie Theatre consists of one or two screens at each cineplex.  It will be reserved for the one or two more popular movies out at the time.  Admission for The Movie Theatre will be around $14.  That is, a premium above regular ticket prices, but not completely unaffordable.  The price alone will act as a deterrent to noisy obnoxious people.  To further establish that this is a classy joint, a dress code will be established.  No shorts, no t-shirts, no sandals.  Next: no one under the age of 21, regardless of the movie rating.  In The Movie Theater, there will be a strict code of silence.  Audible talking, noise-making, or any mobile phone ringing or buzzing will be met with immediate dismissal from the theatre and a lifetime ban from The Movie Theatre.  These rules will be clearly broadcast before the beginning of the clip, and also when the ticket is sold.In short, I’d like to make going go the movies more like going to the opera.  And I’d be willing to pay a premium to get it.  By limiting this promotion to the most popular movie (or two), the theater operator can guarantee that the showings stay adequately attended.  Any additional staff that has to be hired to enforce the silence rules can be funded from the increase in ticket prices for these showings.With this, I’d start going to the movies again.  Until then, don’t spoil Wall*E or The Dark Knight for me — because I’m not going to see them until they’re available for home viewing. 

General Goings-On at b5media

April Fools day went by without a big joke (oddly). Aaron played some sort of joke, but not many people got it. Darcie tried to freak Jeremy out by pretending his computer was stolen. He didn’t fall for it for a second.

It was Darcie’s one year anniversary yesterday.

Salim breifly won an award today for funniest e-mail, but then he lost it because he’s mean. 

Jeremy got perfect score on Black Hole Sun on Rock Band.

Laura has a tattoo.

Aaron still wont get a b5 t-shirt.

Brian has had a Tin Roof Blizzard before.

Mark works in Tech.

Joey stops breathing in his sleep.

Jeremy can jump and click his heels together, but only once.

Gab gets b5 withdrawls.

Chad is sick.

Laura things CJ can make friends anywhere.

Corey is graduating soon.

Darren was voted best drinking companion. Ever.

Shai is sick too.

Lee cannot function without his morning coffee.

That’s a b5 team summary.